Posts in Victoria Counselling
Soothing Your Partner
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I once read that one of the best qualities you can bring to a relationship is the ability to self-soothe. In other words, you maintain your own emotional equilibrium even if your partner is bouncing off the walls. When you are calm, you can be of service to your partner by being fully present with what is going on for them.

In reading Stan Tatkin’s book Wired for Dating I came across what could be considered the second part of this concept. He talks in terms of being helpful in soothing your partner. So, how can we do that?

Tatkin suggests sitting down with your partner, perhaps after a busy day at work, and experimenting with calming actions. Some of the things you might consider would be:

1. Holding your partner’s hand

2. Patting/touching your partner’s shoulder

3. Listening with full attention – and looking into their eyes

4. Lowering your own voice

5. Limiting your opinions

6. Asking if your partner wants a hug

7. Asking if your partner wants your help in solving their problem (not jumping in with solutions of your own first)

Of course, one of the least likely techniques for soothing your partner is to tell them to “calm down!”

What do you think would be calming to your partner? By trying out what you believe may be calming, you have an excellent chance to find out if you’re right! Ask them for their honest feedback to see how you’re doing. And of course, you then have the chance to switch roles. You may even surprise yourself when you discover what is soothing to you.

The Liminal Zone

Have you ever had the feeling that you were on the cusp of a huge shift in your life? You may have entered the liminal zone, or liminal space. The word liminal comes from the Latin word for threshold – when you’re at that place, you may be about to enter through a door to a place you haven’t been before. Anthropologist Victor Turner describes it as being between “no longer and not yet”.

Some of the most agonizing moments in our life – the death of a loved one, divorce, or job loss – may precede some of the most beautiful times of our life. This may be hard to see when we’re sad or angry. The liminal space may also be of a less obvious nature and may feel just plain uncomfortable. You may have the sensation that something is about to change or that you are awakening to a new perspective on your life. You may notice familiar themes pop up, like when three different people mention the same thing to you. You may find that old friends or lovers reappear, or you may have recurring dreams. You might have a gnawing feeling in your belly. What’s going on?

Learning to cultivate an acceptance of the liminal space is an art. If you’ve recently moved to a new residence, you’ll know what I’m talking about. There can be a great feeling of uncertainty as we look for a way to put down roots: that confusing time can lead to forgetfulness, a short temper, or anxiety. Even though, deep down, we know that things always change, we tend to cling to the old as a way to feel safe and secure.

There needn’t be a rush to figure things out. Giving ourselves time to breathe, think, question, ponder, or imagine is a gift.

Psychologist Joan Borysenko calls the liminal space a sacred crossroads.

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If you feel that you’re at a crossroads, it may be a good time to see your therapist. Having a trusted person join you on part of your journey is a good way to work through some of the things that are coming up for you. So go ahead – pause in the liminal space, and explore the possibilities!